Am I living In A Crappy Sci-Fi Flick, Or An Onion Article?


So I was minding my own business, watching the Savannah Wrens beat each other up over the best worms just under my window, and across my newsfeed comes this:

Ukraine Trains Dolphins With Friggin Pistols On Their Heads

Okay, super.  Sounds awesome.  I have seen articles and commentary on marine mammal training programs before.  Usually it was something along the lines of specialized dolphins to save drowning swimmers, though.  It was inevitable for someone, somewhere, to think to themselves “You know what would make this program really great?  Let’s arm them and teach them to kill swimmers!”  It is, after all, the next logical step.  Pain in the ass sinkers.  Removal is much easier than retrieval.

So I got mildly interested and began idly Googling animal warfare training.  The first thing I clicked on was this:

Soviet Killer Dolphins On The Loose In The Black Sea

Okay.  Holy shit?  A bit more browsing through links, and then:

Good News!  Heavily Armed Killer Dolphins Are Not Out To Get You.  Yet.

Well, good to know.  Apparently the program is quite real, though, which makes me think that the guys who came up with this gem of an idea have never visited the Southern USA. If they had grown up around Bubba Jo, Cletus, and Randy the redneck’s Neo-Nazi KKK laden gun culture we have down here, they might have thought twice before arming the animal world and training it to come after us.  Seriously, guys?  Have you even looked around at humanity lately?  Let’s turn Locutus the dolphin loose with lasers and armaments.  That’ll turn out swell.

locutus of dolphin

So long and thanks for all the fish, my ass.  Catch me going near the water.

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2 thoughts on “Am I living In A Crappy Sci-Fi Flick, Or An Onion Article?

  1. Tell me about it. Peer pressure is a real bitch.

  2. What about sharks with frigging laser beams on their heads?

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